I'm allowed to be a work in progress
Hello beautiful mommas! I'm back with more to give you. Life has been pretty hectic, so I'll give a quick run-through (which kind of explains the title of this blog post).
Firstly, Happy New Year! It feels good to have some downtime again so that I can spend more time thinking and writing. I've missed being able to share my stories and to put them into witty prose that I can share with my internet community. I have a very dry, witty-type sense of humor and not everyone gets my jokes. But I digress.
This downtime comes after the holiday and busy season of December, so now it's back to the usual slowness of my daily routine. I celebrated 4 birthdays last month; my dear cousin celebrated her (wink wink!) milestone birthday, my Grandma's 90th, my son's 9th, and my 35th (aghh!). So many milestones! The holiday season was pretty busy with trying to make travel arrangements for Hawaii, which, thanks to Omicron was cancelled, not buying Christmas gifts, then buying Christmas gifts last minute (not recommended), not being able to celebrate Christmas at church, the Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD) hitting me really hard....but can we just call it depression?!, and the realization that I may have ADD.
Just so much life happening.
There was a lot that I missed out on and so many people I didn't get to see. But I'm reminded daily how precious life is so I hold on to people and memories so tightly.
However, even though we try to plan for the ups and downs in life, or at least get ahead of them, they still take us very much by surprise. Many sad things happened this last month that I don't need to go in to in this blog post (maybe another time). But what I have learned out of all of this is the importance of creating my own version of resiliency.
When plans don't turn out my way, how can I pivot them?
When people that I care most about in life are no longer around, how do I cope?
When my expectations (clearly) don't line up with my reality, what then? How should I keep moving forward with my heads held high?
These were things that I had to face in a rather quick manner. But I found my own way and I'd like to share those insights with you, dear mommas (and friends).
1. Prayer changes things
Ok, so I know this sounds cliche, and I apologize, but hear me out. Please don't leave the blog! Oftentimes, when we're faced with a problem or conflict, folks will tell us that when we want something to happen, or we want God to move in our lives, we need to take it to Him in prayer. My therapist also told me to pray. At first, I thought "This really can't be the answer to everything. How is that going to work?" I wasn't skeptical, just questioned things with a "Why?" or "How?". I had even doubted if God even cared enough to listen or even answer any of my prayers. (Y'all, my faith was shaken so badly!).
But I realized that it wasn't fair that I question how God does things. The How wasn't even any of my business. I changed my mindset and started to ask "What?". Lord, what do you want me to learn? What areas of my life are you trying to change? What can I do to get closer to you? In what ways can I connect with you? I began to meditate on the woman that He was trying to show me I was.
I took the focus off trying to figure it out on my own and put it back on Him. My prayers were my avenue for finding myself through Him. After this, I felt that the mental blocks I was having started to leave. I started to feel less insecure about certain things, and more confident in others areas. I made an effort to have genuine connections with people, and I didn't feel bad about connections that were lost. I didn't want to try and figure out myself anymore, but I wanted Him to work through me. I wanted all my courage to come from the Lord, which has lead to so many more insights.
2. Meditation is the key to quiet
Ok, I know you're thinking "But you just said prayer was the answer...". Meditation to me is something different. We can pray and receive a word from God, but then we can meditate on what we've heard. If prayer is like a morning coffee chat, then my meditation is the quiet listening time. I began to get intentional with my space. I opened back up my crystal book, bought a self-care and chakras book (which I definitely recommend), bought some essential oils and made my own chakra candle. Sis, I was ready!
With my sage in one hand and my affirmations in the other, I made it a point to get clear about what my vision was. I focused on the words I heard God speak to me. I set my intentions and made them clear about who I am.
Honestly, I'm still working on this, but so far, it's done wonders for my mindset. Hard decisions have been a lot clearer to make because I'm focused more on my why and my intention. I can make quicker decisions (something I've struggled with) and I'm ok with letting things go that no longer serve me. I'm also working towards repairing my relationships and overall setting my sights on brand new goals for my life. It's been so rewarding.
I know crystals, essential oils, smudging, and energy and shadow work may be a little farfetched for some. But..."If someone doesn’t like the smell of sage in your house, then it's working." Right?
3. Rest is far greater than work
I honestly don't know how long it's taken me to figure this one out, but it's been long overdue. What's the point of being overworked, if we feel drained, incompetent, and too tired to enjoy it? Where is the peace in that?
I've heard the saying "Being busy is overrated", but I never thought of needing to apply it to my life. Then, I started to realize that I'm not living the life of my dreams. I'm living the life that others think I've dreamed of. I was so out of touch with myself, that I couldn't even tell someone what my favorite food was when they asked (#firstdateproblems).
I had to get really serious about the fact that I wasn't happy with my life, and the first thing that I did was stop. I stopped what I was doing. Just...cold turkey. Well, I stopped doing the things that didn't bring me joy. If my heart wasn't 100% into something or someone, I just stopped. But I didn't just ignore it and do nothing. I chose to rest instead.
Rest is so powerful. As a Black woman who comes from a bloodline of sharecroppers, slaves, and single mothers, rest for me is revolutionary. There's an old (African American?) saying that rest is a luxury. Well I don't own a Lexus RX 350 or Audi Q5 yet (I like classy luxury, ok?), but dammit I'm going to rest anyway.
And rest I did.
While I rested, I dreamed. I hoped, I prayed, and I envisioned life the way that I wanted to live it. The people that would be in it. The habits I would have. the experiences I would create. The money I would earn. The feelings I would share with others. Everything.
And it all came back to writing. How much I've missed it. How much I've cherished the power of words.
So I bought more physical books and started reading more, I began writing and journaling again, and I discovered some new hobbies as my creative outlet. I cherished these things because doing things that add value to my life is a core value of mine.
If you haven't rested, I strongly encourage you to do so.
4. Letting go of my past to rediscover my future
Ok, my poetic side is showing.
But if there's one lesson that is most important for me, it's probably this one (and it isn't even the last one).
Entering a year with three of my lucky/spirit/angel numbers- whatever you want to call it- is pretty darn significant for me. I didn't want to bring in my old mentality into a brand new era, after I just spent so much time asking God "How?". The answer was staring me right in the face.
I had to let it all go.
I had to let go of the woman that I thought I was to become.
I had to let go of false images of myself.
I had to forgive some people who hurt me, and leave them in my past.
I had to wholeheartedly and genuinely forgive the others who hurt me if I were to bring them into my future.
I had to realize those who weren't coming with me into my future and be ok with that void.
Letting go is hard, that's one thing I am sure of. But what's harder is knowing that I was close enough to my dreams and I let myself get in my own way. I couldn't hold on to past Belinda any longer.
But the biggest thing I had to learn how to do was forgive myself. Now full disclaimer, I recommend doing this work with the guidance of a therapist or mental health professional. Because, like I said. It's not easy and things will come up. But it was so necessary. But this forgiveness transformed into me being able to forgive other people in my life and learn what I needed to let go of.
5. New goals, who dis?
As I enter into this 35th trip around the sun, I tend to catch myself comparing my life to others who are my age, or even younger, that are doing so much more than I am. I wonder if my time has passed because I haven't achieved what they have yet. I don't have the career I thought I'd have. I don't have the big house yet. I don't the successful business yet. Etc.
But when I stopped (remember earlier, how I Marie Kondo'd my thoughts?), I realized that I was living the life that I was supposed to live. If I didn't have the things I wanted, it's because I haven't gone after them or made room for them in my life.
So I stopped my complaining and started making some new goals.
Did I want a new relationship with my family? Yes. Then I gave up my old thoughts and embraced new ones.
Did I want to get better at work? Yes, then I started adopting some new habits and learned others along the way.
Did I want a certain type of partner? Yes. Then I had to stop entertaining others that didn't give me what kind of life I wanted.
Do I want to be a business owner? Yes. Then I had develop some new skills, which required learning, trying, failing and then trying again.
Do I want to finally be a writer?? (Well, you see where I'm going with this, right?)
Belinda's new goals had to get comfortable with tossing out the old ones, and with it had to go some bad habits.
So here I am, standing in the new face of my resiliency. Standing in the face of imposter syndrome, self-doubt, people pleasing, and tough love...knowing that I had to give all of this up to stand in my worth.
So momma, just know that you are worthy too. You're worthy of all of your goals. You're worthy of all of the changes that you want in your life. You're worthy of all of the dreams placed in your heart.
And if you didn't know yet, you are worthy of the life you want to live.
Love always,
Momma Naturalista
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